Fictional Relatives

My fictional relatives are often played by Alan Alda and Diane Keaton in my head. I don't know exactly how this got started, but I can tell you that they are often mulling around my fictional spacious New York City apartment, specifically the kitchen table that highlights a wooden minimalist artsy feeling when lit at night with low track lighting.

Here's an example scenerio:

1. Alan Alda, who is playing Dr. Frair, a retired snake handler, and Diane Keaton, who is playing Miss. Annabelle, a first grade teacher nearing retirement, and myself, playing myself at age 32, are all getting drunk on red wine. I am in a great unemployed depression. How can I even think about retirement when I still owe the student loan company 35,000 dollars? My life is nowhere.

They tell me knock knock jokes to try and cheer me up. Keaton always has the punchline, and although Alda is quite generous initially with this parlay, towards the end of the jokes, he grows frustrated with her hogging the spotlight. Now we are all depressed. Keaton cries, beautifully in a revealing way. Alda turns warm again, embarrassed.

Keaton says that everyday someone new runs her over. Everyday is one more day of devastating.

Suddenly, my own issues are irrelevant. We want to get more involved in Keaton's life, lift up the pain. We brainstorm.

After much debate and several silly laughs, mostly thanks to Alda and his crummy cooking. It's decided. We will turn the popular children's book Miss Nelson Is Missing into real life. Keaton loves this, so does Alda.

Alda immediately gets going on costume ideas. I coach Keaton on how to "act angry and mean."

And then, just like that, a project is born. We focus on the building of something and forget about the stillness of it all.


rich said...

loved it

Pirooz M. Kalayeh said...

Oh, shit! Holler!

Mary Rachel said...

the family stone......why must you burst your fictional-immortal bubble Diane?.....WHYYYYYY!

I love her. She does everything like you do. Act, write, photograph, make movies, make me laugh, look great in a tie, make out with Woody Allen....But I love you more, Miss Dacheux.

Anonymous said...

have to agree with rich, loved it. .. one of these days. . .I'm dreaming and planning mymtrip up the west coast.
love to you, beka


you all are too kind. i blush. all these things that you all say. geesz. diane keaton is my hero. yes i do look great in a tie. yet, unfortunately, no, i have never made out with woody allen, although if given the chance i would circa 1978.

David said...

extremely funny

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

In the latest Scarlett Johanson interview, she says that Woody Allen smells real good. Like real good.

Don't you want to meet him and smell him now?

Maybe, we can make it over to Arlight tomorrow night. I might have some good news too. If things work out tomorrow, I might get you into a new gig. Call me. We'll chat.


Kelvis said...

Hey, if you make out with Woody, and Sun Yi gets jealous, do you think there will be a wrestling match? If so, can I be your coach and hand you towels and stuff? Cool.


Yes, of course you can Kelvis. Although this is rapidly growing over the top meta on me. In 1978, Yi would have been a little baby or possibly even an little egg.

I could fight a baby. I could fight an egg. I would definitely need you on my side either way, as I would not be a baby I would be me as I am now transported back to 1978, and I have bad knees.


i can't make sense of myself anymore.


Anonymous said...

if you make out with woody i get to make out with johansen.



that is no where near a fair trade.

Aunt Beep said...

When I was a temp for HBO I practically knocked over Diane Keaton making a wide, completely unaware of my surroundings turn into the 39th floor bathroom. I don't even know if Ms. Keaton was going in or out of said bathroom, only that she was wearing the coolest knee high wedge boots I'd ever seen and this gigantic metallic grey skirt that was all folds and ruffles as she walked.
Then I was walking down 3rd Street one afternoon and again I almost devoured the woman as she emerged from Orso.
And just Monday we watched Annie Hall for the 1000th time.


aunt beep you are my new hero.


keep doing all those great things you do in LA, besides bumping into my other fictional heroes/relatives